Have a Very Zombie Christmas

Christmas is upon us, and while most folks are thinking about cookies, lights, and last-minute shopping, there is always the possibility that the undead might shuffle their way into the holiday season. Are you ready for that? Probably not. I know I’m not. Which is exactly why this little holiday public service announcement exists.

Before you dive too deep into your seasonal to-do list, take a moment to study this essential training film from the incomparable Team Unicorn. It delivers everything you need to know about staying festive, alert, and one step ahead of the shambling hordes.

Once you have absorbed this vital information, it is time to get prepared. A well-stocked Holiday Bug Out Bag can make all the difference when navigating the chaos of December, especially if the undead decide to pay an unexpected visit. After all... holiday classics have taught us that things can go sideways fast, whether it is gremlins, rogue nutcrackers, or something far less jolly.

Below is your essential survival list, carefully curated for humor, usefulness, and just the right amount of holiday chaos.

Holiday Bug Out Bag Essentials

Core Survival Gear

• Durable backpack with a holiday keychain
• Red, green, or gold anodized multitool
• Mini first aid kit stored inside a snowman tin
• Water bottle decorated with reindeer stickers
• Emergency rations consisting of fruitcake and gingerbread
• Grinch LED flashlight
• Fire starter labeled Naughty Sparks
• Red and green paracord for improvised tree trimming and survival needs

Zombie Defense

• Candy-cane painted crowbar for festive prying and light deterrence
• Baseball bat wrapped in holiday paper for safe zombie swatting
• Oversized cookie-tin shield reinforced with duct tape
• Jingle bell wrist strap so the undead think you are Santa
• Ugly Christmas sweater with padded shoulders for festive armor

Winter and Holiday Additions

• Elf gloves with non-slip gripping pads
• Emergency blanket printed with Santa’s face
• Hand warmers called Blizzard Busters
• Scarf knitted with bells for audible flair
• Thermos full of hot chocolate
• Cookies and milk for quick energy boosts
• A pocket wreath for quick camouflage

Communication and Navigation

• Solar charger with festive LED lights
• Whistle that plays a single off-key note of Jingle Bells
• Old-school map folded like gift wrap

Comfort and Sanity Items

• Notebook for tracking sightings and collecting cookie recipes
• Travel wipes scented like pine
• Pet stocking stuffed with basic supplies
• A sparkling tree ornament to remind you of home

Deck the Halls and Dodge the Undead

Here’s hoping you can survive the season with all limbs intact and with your festive spirit unbroken. And remember:

• Fruitcake is dense enough to stop almost anything
• Never trust a snowman that moves on its own
• Elves are faster than they look, so keep up
• Keep your cocoa warm and your spirits warmer
• A little holiday cheer makes even an apocalypse easier to face

From my bunker to yours, stay safe, stay merry, and may your Christmas be wonderfully zombie free.